Dark thoughts

The Start 4

Within the hour they moved me down to a waiting/recovery area to prep for the cerclage removal surgery.

As they wheel me down in the bed, I have to say goodbye to Lee at the elevators. He can’t come into the theatre, he has to wait in the birthing suite family room and if I do go into labour they will being him down and allow him into theatre.

I waited about an hour for the theatre to be ready. The leaking is just non stop and my mind is so dark. I wish Lee could have waited with me, I’m just tucked in this corner spot on my bed, having an emotional meltdown. I am stuck on the same thoughts, what do I name a doomed baby and what am I supposed to do with his little body? Who can I even ask these questions to?

I have opted for the spinal anesthetic, I have never had one before but if labour does start I want to be conscious. I may only have a moment, I cannot miss it.

As I sit up in theatre on the edge of the bed for the local and spinal, I am so triggered by whats in front of me. It is the baby panda , the resuscitation machine and it’s off. Not a single light, no heat on and just no chance.

I wish Lee was here.

They remove my cerclage stitch and my cervix is closed. This is a huge relief, although we ar far from out of the woods but at least it not all on right now.

They wheel me into recovery and the spinal block is creeping too high and it’s making me panic.

I can’t feel anything below my neck and the pins and needle sensation is agitating me. They try to sit me up to bring the block down. That was not the drug for me.

I will stay and be monitored over night in the women’s health ward. I’m bed ridden from the spinal with a catheter.

I’m exhausted, I haven’t slept since the day before, it’s been emotionally and physically draining.

And my roommate is….terrible.

Her entire whanau is in the room, coughing that RSV hack, playing around on full volume games, using the patient only bathroom and mucking around on wheelchairs. They stayed hours and left at last call for visitors.

I was so exhausted I couldn’t do anything but lie there. In the morning nurse took me for a short walk around the ward to check I had full control of my legs back and removed the catheter.

I am still on full bed rest so back to bed and guess who comes back. The whole whanau is here for another day.

I need to get up and use the bathroom so I go and the toilet is a mess, seriously skid marks.

My waters are ruptured, I’m high infection risk and this is just disgusting. I call the nurse button and type it out on my phone to be discreet. The nurses comes back in about five minutes and I get moved to another room.

Fingers crossed for a better roomie.