No Choice

The Start 3

Forward to 18 weeks gestation and I’m driving on the way home from work. I start to get back pains coming in at 6/10 in pain in waves.

I called the midwife and she advised to go to hospital, all the checks are fine and I left 5 hours later with no idea what happened but the pains have gone down to 2/10.

Somewhere around here the whole house got RSV brought home from daycare. 

Skip to 21+5, from here each day matters.

Thursday night and I felt a leak, clear watery liquid. Then another, then another then another and another. And off to the hospital I go again at about 2am.

They did general ops checks and all clear, checked the leak and it is amniotic fluid. I have been admitted to stay and I have a appointment first thing in radiology for an ultrasound.

Morning comes and in 21+6 and my waters have ruptured, I am showing only one measurable pocket at 2.6cm. I get up off the table and get another gush and she checks again and I’m now at 2cm of measurable fluid. 

We head back to the ward and the doctors inform us that the cerclage needs to be removed due to infection risk. 

It’s looking really bad and we are hearing words like not viable and no intervention at this gestation. If I go into natural labour, they won’t stop it and I will have to birth this tiny baby. He could be stillborn, could be breathing but they will not touch him at this gestation. If he comes out breathing and heartbeating he could live for minutes or hours, but they will not touch him.

My mind drifts back to my emergency cerclage removal with Sylvie at 31+6 and my cervix popped open to 3cm. There’s a story here too but for another time. 

My options seem limited, the stitch has to go and they won’t medically intervene. My mind is going to every dark corner and I can’t pull it back. The surgery will be done within the hour and I wait curled up in the bed, crying, tucked under Lees chest.