It’s not the time to cry

The Start 6

We get a reality chat from the doctors about what no amniotic fluid would mean for the growth of baby. It restricts his movement, can affect overall growth and lung development. We have to consider what his quality of life will be but we don’t know how he will go until he is out and that part of the journey starts. But these thoughts and conversations are all mute if we don’t reach viability.

It’s immensely frustrating that it’s my own body and so much is out of my control. All I can do is bed rest, drink plenty of water and try to relax.

I need this IV out so I can crochet, it’s my main source of peace, it’s my version of mediation. I’m using videos, crosswords, snacks and anything I can to distract myself from a breakdown. I joined some Facebook groups on PPROM and twenty-two matters, seeking out positive outcome stories and saving them.

There is a time to cry and let it all out but it’s not now for me. I know that if I have a mental breakdown it will have a negative physical effect on my body. I am aware and consciously keeping myself calm and level.

I asked for the IV to be removed so I can sleep better, but I tossed and turned anyways. I get woken up at all hours for ops and drugs. I can also feel a tender spot on my back where the spinal went in that’s making me uncomfortable.

Every morning, I think we made it. Another day through, and every day matters.