Bye bye Breastfeeding
Home 7
The time has come to say farewell to breastfeeding baby Kayden.
It’s been 11 months, just over 3 of which were exclusively pumped.
Breastfeeding has been a very big part of my journey and in many ways.
It started on a good foot, when the nurse in maternity ward helped me get the milk flow started. She was so proud of those first few mls she marched them down to the NICU herself with her head held high.
From there I formed a very strong bond with the hospital Medela pump and my alarm. Since Kayden’s birth was so early I hadn’t yet purchased a pump for home. I knew from my journey with Sylvie that I wanted a double pump and a higher end brand than my previous one. I actually had a lot of trouble with my first Tommee Tippee pump with Sylvie, it was very pinchy and uncomfortable. I contacted Tommee Tippee and sadly they wouldn’t come to the party at all, it was pretty disappointing service. I ended up turning it into a hybrid pump using Medela parts from the hospital to make it work, I thought it was a pretty clever solution. After all, I would be using it a lot, so it would be worth the investment. My mother kindly purchased my new pump (online of course, they are in Canada) but it would take a few days to arrive. Incase anyone is wondering I got the Medela Swing Flex Double electric pump and it worked very well for me.
The amazing women from The Neonatal trust rented me a hospital grade Medela pump in the meantime and all the parts were hospital supplied. It was a seamless process, it’s one of those life admin things that can really add stress when your already experiencing a hardship. I am grateful how easy they made it and if you are there please reach out to these wonderful women, they offer so many services. And above that, they have experienced words of wisdom to share and are there to provide support.
To say Kayden’s birth was traumatic is an understatement, it’s almost a year on and the feeling catch me out all the time. But this post is about my breastfeeding journey and what I’m getting at here is sleep. I needed it, for my recovery and my mental health. For the first two weeks as the milk was coming in I woke every 3 hours to pump. When it started to build , I reduced this down to once a night.
I recall the lactation consultant coming in and checking my tracking book. She argued that once a night wasn’t enough and that my milk supply would be static at its current 500-600ml daily, that I should be pumping at least 8 times a day and waking throughout the night.
I politely disagree. I recall with Sylvie how I felt pressured and attacked by the lactation consultant. Not this time, I stood my ground as an experienced prem mum and said nope, I know my body and what it needs. I need the sleep and it’s good for my production. She continued to argue the same point and it ended very awkwardly. Even the nurse felt the air go sour and agreed with me once she left.
And by 4 weeks my pumping milk supply settled around 800-900ml daily.
But brick of butter sized Kayden was only taking a few mls per feed. He started at 1ml a feed every 2 hours and day by day very slowly we reached 12ml per feed. Which is only 144ml a day, and I’m producing 800+mls. I’m hoping he will catch up to it and am carefully labeling and storing all the milk.
Then came the NEC scare, if you remember from that post, it’s a serious (often deadly to microprems) bowel infection. They threw the kitchen sink at him and his milk was completely cut off. After 48 hours the tests confirmed no NEC infection was present and he started back 1ml at a time. My stash was now piling up.
I spoke to another lactation consultant and decided to get the donors blood test done. Again, another process made easy. A short walk within the same building with a piece of paper and I got my bloods done. My results came back in a day or two, all good and CMV negative. The lactation consultant said I was a unicorn but I have yet to fully understand and research CMV. I’m just gonna take the compliment and run.
Anyways, I was about to donate a large amount of milk when I had a bad NICU day. This was the stolen lunch day. I don’t even know the word for the feeling, a mix of disappointment, frustration, attacked and all around low. I really struggled with donating my milk to a unit where another mother thought it was okay to steal from me. Another mother who is there on a similar journey and thought they would make it more difficult for someone else.
I put in so much effort, time and pain into pumping. I sacrificed sleep and beat up my breasts to make this liquid gold. I battle the physical exhaustion of back and forth to the city everyday. I spent hours and hours in the hospital, giving up time with Sylvie. I felt constant hunger and unquenchable thirst. It takes so much time and organization and cleaning to be pumping what feels like all day, everyday. I was emotionally and mentally struggling and I persevered. To give him the best outcomes, to one day in the unknown future have Kayden latch and feed from me. To have that bonding experience with him. I put in some serious work to breastfeeding and making all that milk.
As a donor in Auckland city NICU, the receiver gets to know about you but you get to know nothing about them. When I was stolen from on several occasions, I made the decision not to donate in the NICU. My heart couldn’t stand the thought of potentially giving my gold, my sacrifice away to someone who showed no compassion and complete disrespect for other mothers. And thus I left NICU which my golden stash full.
When I got to SCBU, I met a mother who showed kindness and sympathy towards our long journey. It was her who made me feel my donation would be appreciated. From there through mum to mum donations, I donated maybe around 60 liters worth of breastmilk. I had several mums come to collect milk, all very grateful and on their own unique journeys. I’m glad and very proud that in the end I found the right donation path that was good for my heart.
If you are looking to donate or receive breastmilk there is a wonderful Facebook page connecting mothers. I do recommend that you ask people some questions before accepting milk. Oddly, I only once presented my blood results and I offered with every donation. Please stay safe within this community.
Kayden started out sleeping on the breast, I was using positive association with an NG feed. Then working on his strength and energy and having big desaturations in feeds. When he got stronger he was keen to suck suck suck and wouldn’t stop to breath inbetween. Then he pulled out his NG, refused all bottles and was a boob only monster for months.
Now 11 months later, I am down to the last 50ml pottle of breastmilk. It’s been satisfying to watch Kayden finally drink through my stash that I worked so hard to make. I waited a long time for him to catch up to consuming larger volumes and am very happy to say we didn’t waste a drop.
It’s been a slow process transitioning to formula and retraining my body. I feel there is a very fine line between telling your body to reduce production and getting mastitis. I had mastitis twice with Sylvie and once with Kayden. It’s a rather unpleasant experience, once with Sylvie it was so bad I couldn’t use my arm and had fever symptoms. Learning from that experience, I was very careful and slow to wean. It has been about 3 weeks and I’m getting maybe 30-50ml in 48 hours. I have been hand expressing it in the shower, I don’t want to latch Kayden and restart stimulation. I have also found binding to be really helpful this time, I hadn’t tried it with Sylvie but I also didn’t produce as much with her.
I felt very organized this time with my weaning. For my last full feed, I took Kayden into the shower. We had a beautiful warm nudie rudie last breastfeed and its a memory I hope will stay with me forever.
So with the last 50ml, I say goodbye to my breastfeeding journey. It’s been hard but ultimately rewarding.
XO
