This is Where we are Meant to be
NICU 24
Day 65 - 66
Gestation 32 weeks
I’ve had to mentally seperate myself into two people. There is who I am as a friend and general human, then there is who I am as Kaydens Mum. Advocating for Kayden and sometimes myself too, forces me to cross lines I don’t want to.
I have learnt after being pushed to move to a hospital we don’t want that I need to tap into the toughest part of me in order to fight my hardest. I can’t be concerned about what someone may think of me, if I’m annoying or the mean mum. I don’t care, I have to focus only on what is best for Kayden, that is my job and I’m good at my job.
It’s a hard fight, I am loud, I am logical, I communicate clearly and I am persistent. And still often met with people reciting policy and supporting poorly created systems. I push to be seen as a person over and over. I try to them the whole story of this long and difficult journey and still sometimes I lose.
But I did win some important ones. I truly believe moving Kaydens due date saved his life. I would have never been given the steroids at a lesser gestation, despite fighting for them too.
I call in to check on Kayden in the morning, no answer. I wait 10 minutes and try again, no answer. I wait another 10 minutes and try again, no answer. Now I’m annoyed, I call the reception to paediatrics down the hallway, get put on hold for another 10 minutes and then get through to our nurse. She said Kayden had a goodnight.
I got into the hospital in time for doctors rounds and they did a general review of everything. We’re going to just let him rest today, no changes.
The charge nurse texted me this morning and also comes in for a chat. She fully supports our wish to move to NSH. I apologised for my scene yesterday and she was empathetic and supportive. We are essentially waiting for a bed to move.
Kayden is still a bit tachycardic, it is put down to the stress of transferring. Which is frustrating because we are going to do it again. I think the call made to move us to Waitakere by NICU was wrong. I think it was against the best interest of Kaydens physical well being and my mental health. I’m super disappointed with “them” dropping the ball on our care at the end of really good journey there.
Next morning Lee goes in and called me right away. We have a bed! We’re moving today.
I cried genuine happy tears, got a big hug from Sylvie and called my Mom with the good news. Lee will come back to pick me up at noon for the transfer. Extra bonus, one if my favourite NICU nurses is coming, yes you Louisa, if you’re reading, I was so damn happy to have you. It felt like you were coming back to save us.
I got to ride with Kayden this time. I got a better perspective of what the transfer is like for him, the rig is strapped in but there is still lots of movement and different sounds.
We get up to SCBU and it feels so right to be back. It takes a few hands to get him settled into his new space. There are lots of familiar faces already and some that even remember us and Sylvie. This is where we are meant to be.
The ward is open concept and full of light. The nurses are happy, chatty and super helpful to parents and each other. The vibe here is exactly what my heart needed. When I left for the night I didn’t have a single worry for Kayden. I left feeling confident and safe, like my feet were weightless as I cruised out the front doors.
And I slept.