Harder than Hard
NICU 21
Day 58 - 60
Gestation 31 weeks
Yes this part too starts on the same day, it was a really long day.
Lee heads off home and I stay to hold Kayden. It was harder than the usual hard to leave today. I put my hands into the incubator to say bye and he opened his eyes. I took of my mask off from behind the glass so he could see my whole face. I had a little cry. Then a little more in the elevator and some more through that long hallway out. Then I sat in my car and cried, I had to convince myself to start the car. I pulled out of the spot and had to pull over in the car park, then off again and I lingered at the exit. It was harder than hard to leave.
When I got home Sylvie had just bumped her head and was on the couch with an ouchie bunny. I curled in with her for a cuddle. Lee made dinner and I had a whole pizza to myself. He was trying to go through all the positives like how Kayden’s renal, digestive and respiratory systems are all working well which is controlled by the brain. I want to be onboard with him but I am so scared and worried. I need to see the scan.
The next morning I head back in and was surprised to find it was just as hard as leaving. I was in tears in the car, at the check in and up that long hallway. I am searching in my brain for the autopilot switch to make my legs just take me up there. I say to myself “Keep moving forward Mama, he needs you, you are this strong”.
But I don’t want to have to be this strong.
Kayden looks cozy, he’s had no apnea’s, only few Brady’s and no spills on the 1hr feeds. They are reducing his caffeine and sodium. He weights in at 1420grams and he is in 24% oxygen. It would appear like a quiet day if I could settle my thoughts.
In the afternoon they say we are shifting rooms because they need the level 3 bed. We have been in 9B for 8.5 weeks. We are taking the long trip next door to 10B which is a level 2/3 room. This is the furthest Kayden has moved since he was born, literally one room over. The room is a 4 baby room but still has the large drager systems across the wall. There is a Mum I often chat to in the room, it’s nice to have a friendly neighbour.
The next day and it’s a smoother entry. I am here early to get two long cuddles in. I got a therapist from the mental health team, finally. I asked for mental health services the day after Kayden was born. It was great to talk to her but takes a while to get to know the background of this journey, it’s an eight week catch up.
Before I left he was due some Cpap cares, they release his hat and I clean his head, ears and face. He was wide awake, this is the first time. He usual just peeps and then falls asleep again. He was staring at me and really engaging. I leaned over to be close to him, talking and whispering to him. I really enjoyed the moment, he was looking at me as to say Mum I’m in here