One Year Home

Yesterday marked the day Kayden came home.

It took 118 days to bring our baby home from hospital. I know no other way, I have left hospital twice now without my babies.

My journey into motherhood was filled with more hardship than I ever imagined. Of course, we dont imagine the worst for ourselves but the first hospital baby I thought we had the knowledge and care to change the experience. I genuinely thought after Sylvie with all intervention and surgery that I was going to have this beautiful full term pregnancy. I was holding out for 36 weeks, I would have been absolutely elated to make the cusp of full term. Sylvie born at 32 weeks, took 26 days to come home. Little did I know at the time, Sylvie had a smooth ride, there was a whole other level to hard I had not even seen in the SCBU.

We don’t get to pick how these things unravel and I wouldn’t pick this journey for anyone. I had really great doctors and midwives and did everything to the letter. I even taught Sylvie how to climb into her car seat so I wouldn’t have to lift her.

Life in the NICU its own world and the scary thing is the numbers are rising. 1/10 babies in New Zealand are born preterm and that number is only preterm, it doesn’t reflect all the other incredible things the NICU does for babies. At maximum capacity Auckland City NICU can hold 45 babies, there are several other NICU/SCBUS in Auckland and across New Zealand.

This growing number is part of why I share our story. World Prematurity Day is just around the corner November 17th and will encourage NICU families worldwide to share their stories too.

I feel like I have been very open about my feelings through this journey but there still isn’t the right words to describe it. I have written so many words and still feel it doesnt do it justice. The emotions and the rollercoaster it takes you on can feel overwhelming. Many NICU mamas talk about how they felt lonely and so I share. If my writing has helped or you need to vent to an understanding ear, please reach out, I will write back.

Leaving hospital everyday I felt so empty handed, so hard done by and always guilty. I will never know exactly what happen, if one thing or two things or ten things were the cause of the whole ordeal. If one thing, two things or ten things could have made it different. I know thoughts like these bring me nowhere but theyre always there, postulating what ifs that no one could ever answer.

And I still dream of what it would be like to have a full growing baby, kicking and moving inside of me. Kayden was so small I never really his movements, so much of the pregnancy lost. Im so easily triggered here, I clearly remember a day I was checking in at hospital reception, covid times, and a man had a baby capsule with him. The receptionist was so kind and congratulated him and he was dismissive of her. It hurt me to watch, I would have given so much to be taking my baby home. Its hard to hear people complain about my desires. I would trade all the pains and the aches to have a full pregnancy experience. I’d even pee in my pants in public, yes I wanted it that bad. More like want really but I am well and truly done at two babies. My mental health could not take another hospital baby and I honestly feel like I am playing with fire for a loss.

I want to acknowledge the mothers who leave hospital empty handed and never bring their babies home, my heart goes out to you.

It could have very easily been us too. It doesnt get any earlier than Kayden. Seriously, viability in New Zealand is 24 weeks, sometimes 23 at doctors discretion and my boy was 22 weeks and 1 day. That’s counting as if I got pregnant on the very first day of my last period, yes, read it again, the first day of my period. If you’re a new reader, he was in part saved by wiggled scan dates, he was tracking well for weight and we shifted the due date data.

The other factors that saved Kayden were his good weight and strong heartbeat. An image that hasn’t faded in a over year, his breeched body purple in color and beating hard in my hand.

From that tiny little helpless baby bird of a boy to this dude I chase repeatedly to stop from tipping over the dogs water bowl. I would say what a year but its over a year. I think my brain has separated hospital life and home life into two parts.

Kayden has his corrected first birthday coming up next week. I am keen to celebrate it as he was too small to enjoy his actual birthday. He has so many more skills and reached many more developmental milestones. I am thinking a cake smash, although not so sure he will even eat it. That’s a whole blog post itself, food and eating has been a massive struggle.

We still have lots of help from clinicians and doctors and our most frequent visitor, the dietician. Although we have left the hospital as an impatient, we are still frequent visitors. The hospital time doesn’t end on discharge, we get lots and lots of follow ups. I have a dedicated day of the week for appointments, appointment Mondays.

So to a year at home.

I feel for you mamas out there, doing the daily trips to see your baby. Some of you leaving babies at home to see your other baby. Some of you going in everyday after having said goodbye to a twin and all that was imagined to match. Some that leave alone and don’t come back.

Its hard and I’m sorry but fuck the sentiment it was given to you because you’re strong enough. I was plenty strong already, I didn’t need to be this strong but I know no other way.